Mentors, Cheerleaders, and Buddies

Keeping up a consistent flow of encouragement was crucial for me. When my enthusiasm flagged and I wanted to "take a break" (the first step towards quitting entirely) my friends pushed me to stay the course. I had constant personal contact with supportive friends. Some mentored me, and some cheered me on. Here's how it worked for me.

 

My mentors had already been through the process and had figured out some smart things to do and other things to avoid, which made it easier for me to proceed. (Why reinvent the wheel?) A colleague whose teaching schedule overlapped with mine met with me every Tuesday afternoon over tea and discussed my week's questions and concerns. New ones seemed to come up all the time, and I was the beneficiary of her past experiences. Since she was developing her relationship with the man she had met through the Internet, I was able to give her advice that I had figured out from my twenty years of marriage.

I also asked others who I knew were experienced with Internet dating what advice they could offer and what they wished they had known when they were starting their quests. Some took the time to respond and some didn't. That was fine. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 My best friend, Maggie, was my cheerleader nonpareil. She and I had been through the ups and downs of life for more than thirty years. Even though she was married and living in the suburbs of New Jersey while I was widowed and living in New York, she quickly caught on to the best practices principles and urged me forward when all I wanted to do was get in bed and pull the covers over my head.

One day, when we were speaking on the phone, she inquired, "Have you gone over your matches today?" At that point, I was feeling particularly resistant to reading the profiles that the dating service sent. "No," I admitted. "Well," she said, "I'm hanging up right now! Get up and do it, and don't call me back until you have!" She meant business, and even though she made me laugh at her tone of voice, I did what she said. When my perseverance would have failed me time and time again, her insistence that I carry on kept me going.

 Even though I didn't have a buddy, someone who is going through the process at the same time, I know women who have benefitted from comparing notes, working out next moves, and even going on double first-time meetings. Buddies can help bolster one another's flagging confidence, energy, and resolve.