Ask for Help

Business men who recognize the importance of achieving their goals don't fret about what they don't know or can't do themselves. They find advisors, seek counsel, and create boards of specialists. Athletes take as a given that their crucial wins are dependent on the right coaches, trainers, and team members, and they find them. Why is it so hard for us to ask for help?

That's a rhetorical question. I know why. Women of my generation were raised to do things for themselves or do without. Sure, we read how-to articles and books, and chat informally about our worries and wishes. We commiserate well with one another and grab at snatches of one anothers' stories. But I'm talking about intentionally soliciting help on a continuous basis until a task has been accomplished. And yes, finding a new mate who is appropriate and appealing to this new stage of life is a task, and an arduous one at that. Acknowledging its importance and assuming a successful conclusion are initial steps. Amassing a team is next.

Do I sound aggressive? My mother would think so, as would my grandmothers. After all, I'm one generation removed from centuries of arranged marriages.

I sound aggressive to myself. Applying the same focus and determination to a romantic goal that I use in my professional life was (and still is) uncomfortable. I sometimes forget that I'm  the first person in my family to earn a PhD. My discomfort about pursuing goals in a manner that my family has deemed "unfeminine" is likely a sign that I'm on the right track.

Besides, who knows? Maybe my ancestors have all been cheering me on from the great beyond. They could have been members of my team all along.

I didn't consciously assemble a team of advisors, and they weren't a team in the literal sense. Most of them never met one another. In fact, I never met some of them--mostly friends of friends and book authors. But I took their most relevant bits of advice to heart as if we were sitting across the table from each other in a cozy diner booth.

Thinking of them all as my team--those I know personally and those I don't--helped me cut through my own resistance to carrying out such a dramatic change in my life. It helped me focus on the present instead of the past.